{"id":315,"date":"2010-10-31T17:13:00","date_gmt":"2010-10-31T16:13:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/2010\/10\/31\/why-i-hate-halloween\/"},"modified":"2010-10-31T17:13:00","modified_gmt":"2010-10-31T16:13:00","slug":"why-i-hate-halloween","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/2010\/10\/31\/why-i-hate-halloween\/","title":{"rendered":"WHY I HATE HALLOWEEN"},"content":{"rendered":"

Why do I hate Hallowe’en?<\/strong> It’s because of the Electronic Light-up Scary Yo-yo from Gealex Toys. It’s because of the Ma & Pa Bones Permaplastic Glow-in-the-Dark Skeletons. It’s because of the Sound-Activated Pumpkin Novelty from Hallmark: “It Lights Up — It Laughs!”<\/p>\n

It’s because of the Spooky Vampire: “Light-sensor activated! Lifelike animation! Talks in a spooky voice!” Wave your hand and the plastic vampire’s eyes light up. He opens a coffin, revealing a plastic skeleton. Its eyes are blinking on and off. “Welllllllcome…” A tinny voice emanates from a hidden speaker. “We’ve been waiting for you!” Demoniacal laughter. A crash of organ chords.<\/p>\n

That’s why I hate Hallowe’en.<\/p>\n

Shopping at the grocery store, I immediately notice the salad bar, decked out in seasonal display. Stuffed dolls sit on all four corners: two witches, a scarecrow, a pumpkin-man. They’re made in China from “polyester and synthetic fibers.”<\/p>\n

An inflatable ghost is suspended from the ceiling, half purple and half transparent, the word “Boo!” on its belly.<\/p>\n

Anatomically correct skeletons swing from the orange-and-black crepe-paper entwined columns. Hanging inside the salad bar, white ghost-baggies with twist-tied necks trail ectoplasm over the lettuce. Plastic jack-o-lantern buckets contain bacon bits, croutons, napkins, and packets of House Italian Dressing (by Kraft).<\/p>\n

The produce section is festooned with fifty-odd pumpkins. My friend swears she saw a Kroger employee commended by his superior for painting them all with happy, goofy faces. One pumpkin has a blue nose and is slobbering like a rabid idiot. Caught up in the wonder of it all, my friend puts her produce in the wrong cart. A ruckus ensues.<\/p>\n

At the deli I spot a witch with googly eyes and flourescent green skin, wearing a fluorescent orange robe and fluorescent yellow shoes. According to the speech balloon over her head, she is saying “Eeek!” Why?<\/p>\n

Perhaps she was frightened by that evil owl eying her from across the aisle. But wait — that owl is no Hallowe’en gimmick. It’s the Hooters Owl, gazing lecherously from a packet of Hooter’s Wing Breading.<\/p>\n

A chill runs down my spine and between my legs. I know about Hooters. These are the people who offered to pay for my friends breast augmentation surgery. All she had to do was take a job waiting tables at their bar in Union Station. In the Hooter’s uniform, of course: very short shorts and a cut-away tanktop.<\/p>\n

Scary, huh? I guess you gotta get a boob job to work a boob job. My friend turned them down. But we still tell the story on spooky autumn evenings.<\/p>\n

And now, at last, you can do up chicken wings at home just like they make ‘em at Hooters. And if you’re lucky, you can get a girlfriend to dress up like a Hooters waitress for you. Or just rent the “Girls of Hooters” video. (Better save that cooking grease.)<\/p>\n

A hapless 6th-grader finds a phosphorescent “Jason” hockey mask in the dairy freezer. His mom makes him put it back. He tells us that his home is decorated with strings of skeleton-lights that flash on and off. “It’s really annoying, actually.”<\/div>\n

I wonder: what’s happened to Hallowe’en? Was it always this cheesy? Does anyone really think that day-glo witches are frightening?<\/p>\n

I wander into the potato chip aisle. The Ruffles package sports a green- skinned witch with six warts (count ‘em — six!) on her split nose and tufts of purple facial hair sprouting on her fat chin. She’s wearing not one but two conical hats: a traditional black witch hat with belt and buckle, atop which is perched a tiny party hat, polka-dotted orange and purple.<\/p>\n

A poster hangs from above: an ancient mummy confronting a barrel in his Egyptian tomb. Who has violated the sanctity of his sacred resting place? Grave robbers? No! Candy manufacturers! The barrel springs open to reveal a cache of glowing “fun size” Snicker bars.<\/p>\n

The “Back To School” candy-kiosk depicts a hallucinatory panorama: a freckle-face kid peering out from behind a huge pile of books stacked with Milky Ways, giant pencils marching toward a playground where one boy hands a small packet to to another — is it a drug deal? Sure enough. M&M’s.<\/p>\n

A lovable ghost bobs up beside me, hugging a load of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey’s Kisses, and York Peppermint Patties in his transparent arms.<\/p>\n

“Don’t be scared,” he says. “I’m a friendly ghost.”<\/p>\n

I can’t help snorting: “Scared? You couldn’t scare my six-year-old niece. You couldn’t scare anybody, except maybe Ray Bradbury.”<\/p>\n

The silly specter cocks an eyebrow. “Ray Bradbury? Who’s he?”<\/p>\n

“A writer. He predicted a sanitized future, a time when people are no longer afraid of the dark, because all the tales of horrible wraiths and flesh-eating goblins have been suppressed, forgotten, censored.” I stare right through the amiable apparition, lost in thought. “It looks as though Ray was right. But it’s not the censors. It’s the vendors.”<\/p>\n

“The who?”<\/p>\n

“You know, the sugar-peddlers. They’re cashing in on a Hallowe’en for kids. That’s why everything’s so cute. That’s why you look so goofy.”<\/p>\n

“Well, you look pretty goofy yourself, mister!” He floats off in a snit.<\/p>\n

I can’t help but feel that something has been lost.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Why do I hate Hallowe’en? It’s because of the Electronic Light-up Scary Yo-yo from Gealex Toys. It’s because of the Ma & Pa Bones Permaplastic Glow-in-the-Dark Skeletons. It’s because of the Sound-Activated Pumpkin Novelty from Hallmark: “It Lights Up — It Laughs!” It’s because of the Spooky Vampire: “Light-sensor activated! Lifelike animation! Talks in a … L\u00e4s mer<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1527,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-315","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-okategoriserad"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1527"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=315"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/315\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=315"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=315"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogg.improveme.se\/emelieehn\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=315"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}