Have you ever stopped and asked yourself why we fall in love? Why do we love? What´s that strange chemical reaction that happens inside our bodies when you produce love? Is it our need to be loved?, or is it that we can´t handle the truth of real sadness and sorrow so we need somebody to hang on to?, or we go to a more idealistic love which we want to be loved adored fancied and every possible emotion that involves love to make us feel good, and then it hit you, you want to love cause you want to be loved in the first place, it comes from a simple emotion desire or a will we humans posses and the animals too, survival, you want to be loved to survive the sorrow, to survive the heartbroken time you had with your last relationship, to survive our daily bullshit the system gives to you, I personally think that we love, because we are selfish beings who need to be loved but can´t live on our own, and we think we can, but we are not that far in the evolution, we are still the same pack of monkeys but with high Tec gadgets.
You want love, then start loving yourself and the love will loves you back too.
My second year of training was heavy mentally as it was physically, my grandpa died in Italy when I was still training, ma called me and I think I was just too passive, cause she was angry at the way I reacted to the news, I was like this;
Me; well am sorry about the news ma, but I really can´t do anything.
Ma; you don’t even sound like you are sorry, what´s wrong with you?
Me; well I am sorry ma, really, but am not going to show it to you as crying or screaming, I deal with my sorrow in a deferent way than you ma.
Ma; that´s what I was afraid for, that you going to be a cold hearted fucker when you enter the army shit.
Me; that´s not true and you know it ma (I screamed a bit) plus my time on the phone is finished, I will be calling you next week.
Ma; so you not taking days off to come to your nonno´s funeral?
Me; ARE YOU SERIOUS YOU ASKING THAT QUESTION AFTER I EXPLAINED THE SETUATION TO YOU, MA ARE YOU TRYING RO FUCK WITH ME ,WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.(I shouted out aloud, and the line went dead)
I had too much on my head, I was really on the tip of being dishonored discharged cause of my silly pranks and jokes, I wanted to concentrate at the task I have now at hand, without any extra elements from outside on the inside to affect me in negative way, and I saw my grieve for my nonno was useless, he is dead now and there is nothing I can do about it, I tried to convince myself that my mourning and sorrow grievance is weakness that I should get rid of it, I am a commando spec.ops. Soldier and these soldiers have no emotional weakness what so ever.
The only reason they kept me was exactly the same reason they kept me at school, I was the best motherfucker you would ever have but I had the lack of discipline and the mental maturity to be the real best, and I fought and fought to be the best, I tried my very best at the maximum ultimate powers that I possessed, just to deliver and show them what I really was and what am made of.
The commander once told me; you have everything that I wish a soldier would have in battle or anywhere for that matters, but it´s your mentality that annoys me and gives us the fear that you will fail with you have right now, please son take it as a positive to learn new stuff, take it as a lesson for life to learn those new stuff what we are teaching you here, and most importantly, take this as the ultimate life lesson what you will come to learn and see in your life.
War shows and demonstrate and lets you live and experience shit you will never see or live enough to experience it in million years of peace.
I had to sign an extra contract, and this contract was childish in away, cause I was promising to reduce my joking around to none otherwise I can and be kicked out the military service, which was fun for me, but also annoying in the same time, cause I couldn’t be myself anymore, and if there is something that bugs me and I really hate that would be acting not like myself and restrain my ability to be me.
I was and felt sorry for the lost of my nonno, he was really sweet gentle old man, his sweet smile and his wise advices I will never forget in my life, and his cool passive manner in handling stuff which I came to admire was incredible and I would hopefully pass it on to my children in the future if I would have some?
The training kept on raining on us day and night, covering our days with haze and a shadow that you only woke up from it at the end of the week, you go out and you do your thing every day like a monotonic robot zombie, and in the weekend you wake up back to reality and back to the life that you left and missed the whole week.
This kept on for some time, and I just became better the longer it took, my improvements went in a steady rising line that stunned and shocked everybody around me including my instructors, and then came the period I loved the most, vacation, again on one month period, doing whatever I want and being whatever I want too, plus I missed my baby Jackline, and I missed my family and friends too.
But as always, fate got different plans, and if fate was a person, I would have killed that person a long time ago.