Min mamma…

Jag är inte så personlig i min blogg, för detta är en blogg där jag visar vad jag gör och jobbar med, produkter jag älskar och ställen jag besöker… Men nu har det värsta hänt mig, jag kommer inte skriva mycket mer om detta, än detta inlägg, eftersom det är så personligt och ofattligt svårt att greppa… men en förklaring varför det blir lite långa pauser just nu, med inläggen…

Men min älskade mamma har gått bort, och det känns som ett nederlag att jag inte kunde ”rädda” henne eller hjälpa henne bli frisk…

IMG_8590.JPG

Mamma…

Att jag med all min kunskap, inte förmådde att nå in till henne, att sudda ut hennes bekymmer och leda henne på rätt kurs… En mamma och mormor har valt att lämna sina barn och barnbarn, så jobbig smärta att bära. Ingen kärlek i världen kan läka psykisk ohälsa, så svår sjukdom, så osynlig, men så påtaglig, så mörk och så skamfullt… Även om förnuftet och omgivningen säger att jag gjort allt jag kunnat, att det är kemiskt, en sjukdom som man själv kan vilja bli frisk från, så gnager känslan av man  inte var tillräcklig, inte lyssnade ordentligt, inte tog det på allvar, hade för bråttom med mitt eget liv , så att jag inte hann stanna upp. Och se henne, min olyckliga lilla mamma… Den sista tidens frustration över din jobbsituation tog musten ur dig, men varför stod jag inte på barrikaden med dig?

Du klarade inte att kämpa själv, jag ångrar att jag inte kunde vara din rustning, som höll dig uppe, tog alla slag…

Jag gjorde allt som stod i min makt, men vad gör det när tomheten bankar på…

Varför undrar man sig, du hade ett hjärta av guld och större än de flesta här på jorden, så det behövdes säkert någon annansstans, bland änglarna nu..

Älskar dig oändligt, lilla mamsen…

IMG_8594-0.png

Sista bilden med oss ihop…

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